Running

For my whole life I moved around, perpetually starting over, reinventing myself, ultimately becoming a strong, independent, successful woman.

Oh, and I don’t need anyone, by the way. If you get too close, I will run away.

You can ask anyone I’ve loved about this, if you can find them. I’ve tried to run from my family several times – making myself somehow separate, misunderstood. Then there is M, who I ran towards until she turned around to face me, and then I ran in fear, only to start running towards her again once she turned the other way. And there was E, who I created an entire fantasy around and when the fantasy crumbled (thankfully, because intimacy does not survive when it is built from fantasy) I limited the time I could see her or speak to her or anything – which we are still navigating today. There is P, and L, and B.

I use elitism in its many manifestations to create distance. Why? Because they know me, and they know that I am arrogant, and they know that I am selfish, and they know that I will probably go away again. And so I create more distance, couched in elitist arrogant child (if you don’t agree with me, than you aren’t open-minded enough, so I am going away) or fearful victim (you will abandon me, you hurt me once, you aren’t safe) or the villain (I am a bad person, I will hurt you, I am not the kind of woman that you want to be with forever).

In one week, I had two people look at me and tell me that they love me, that the hurts from the past don’t make them love me any less, and that they want to be in my life always. One was my friend A – who let me stay in her house for free while I got my feet on the ground. The other was P, who loves me so unconditionally and completely for exactly who I am right now that I don’t even know how to stay in that feeling.

And then I think of my family, who has supported me through the most insane swings of my life, the crazy choices that they didn’t agree with and loved me anyway. And I have thanked them how? By consistently running away. By consistently checking out. Not calling, not writing. Abandoning them as I do everyone else who loves me.

So, living a life without apology means that I can’t beat myself up for my past, for my choices now, for any of it. But I am honest about who I am, the parts worth bragging about and the parts I want to hide. So how do I reconcile this? I want to hate myself here and stay away from people because I am not worthy of love, because I am poisonous to those who love me. But the truth is that I am simply terrified to be seen – for the thread of who I am that stays consistent throughout my life, that none but my family has seen. I am terrified of the depth to which P loves me through my pushing her away and running away and leaving her for the fantasy I created with someone else. And her looking at me without judgment and total acceptance of all of my wrongs and making them right somehow.

It’s hard to feel because I have never allowed myself to become vulnerable enough to love someone that deeply. And that is the sad, simple, hard truth.

I know that I have a general sense of love for the world and want to help people and love to give of myself, but there is a depth that is missing. I love my family, and the awe and love I feel for my niece and nephew is startling. But all in all, I am selfish with my love and I lock it up, protecting it. And I try to think back to when I was so hurt that I locked it up so tightly. I can’t blame it on the usual suspects – I had a great childhood. It had its dysfunctions, thank God, because that’s ultimately what makes us normal. I don’t think it was D, maybe B but I doubt it… I just can’t think of a time when my heart had to be locked away, where is the injury that killed my love?

I feel like I don’t deserve it, haven’t loved deeply enough, haven’t worked hard enough to have it. And I am sad. I am sad because my mind tells me that this is nonsense, and the sadness creeps in anyway. And I have so much love pouring in that I was blind to before, and I try to just feel it.



And I try to just let it filter in through the little beams that get through this wall. And it opens me and I cry. And I try to stay open but I shut down again. And then I put my hands up against the wall warm with the rays of the love that are waiting to get in, and I open up a little more and let it wash over me. And it is beautiful and I am afraid because my wall is weakening, and I know that I will be hurt. And every time a little more light gets in. And this is how life is.


Light. Hurt. Beauty. Pain. Expansion. Contraction. Growth. Progress. Addiction. Hope. Faith. Love.

The God Box

I made a God Box at work today. Well, a makeshift God Box – a God envelope really. I found myself beating myself up for all the things I’m not doing, or I’ve done wrong, or ways that I am too fat/ too ugly/ not doing enough. Yeah. I needed to do something with all of those thoughts. Someone once told me about a God Box. A place to give away all of the sorrows, all of the stories in my head that are the voices of my inadequacies. They aren’t real. If I can let them go I can be more sane and more free, and focus my energy on the things that lift me up and move me forward in the direction I want to go.

So, I designated an envelope at work as my God Box, wrote down the crap that’s spinning around in my head, and put it in the envelope. I can’t worry about them now. I’ve given them away. I can't control the thoughts, but I can let them pass through me, and ask that I be relieved of them.

Here is the poem about the God Box:

God's Boxes
I have in my hands two boxes
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I stored.
But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be."
He smiled a gentle smile and said,"
My child, they're all here with me."

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold, and the black with the hole?
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go."

What if we start with perfect?

Why is it so hard to open, to stay open… to trust another person with all of myself? I am amazed when I let go and let you in and open up and cry and give up the parts of myself that scare me and hold me back and just… let… go…

Life is too beautiful to box myself into the kind of relationships I ‘should’ have and the life that I ‘should’ lead. Whose ‘should’ is this anyway? It’s not like I have someone telling me that I need to settle down or need to find a life partner.

How can I have so many feelings all at the same time? I feel simultaneously rejected and loved, grateful for what I have, and sad for what I don’t. I don’t want to end up like my old friend, who only sees what isn’t instead of what is – and in the process misses the beauty and the perfection in what is before him in any given moment.

Today, I acknowledge perfection in myself and those I love – irrespective of the past or future. What if we started from perfect? What would happen if you looked at your partner tonight, and found him/her completely right? How would that change the way you relate to each other?

Officially Mastered

So, my MPH diploma arrived today. It’s completely official. They didn’t call me and apologize for not getting in touch with me sooner. I made it. Officially. I have the proof. I feel like I need to celebrate all over again, even though it’s been a year. It’s mine. I earned it.

Moving in tomorrow!

So it is – moving into my new place this weekend. Tonight we are clearing out any old debris or energy that doesn’t belong there (Yes, I live in California. Yes, I really do believe this works.)

It’s so strange to be moving into a place with so much space! My own room, a kitchen… after living in community for so long, it seems so extravagant! But it will be great to have a place to land. I’ve been on Alicia’s floor and travelling for work and for the wedding and I feel really ungrounded.

All of my stuff has been scattered to the far corners of the bay area, and will consolidate at last in one location. I know I got rid of a lot of things, and I have no idea what has been stored in boxes for 2 years. It’s gonna be like Christmas!

I’ll post some pictures once I get moved in.

Degreed?

Okay. So here’s how crazy I am. I finally sent the check to have my degree mailed to me. That’s right – one year later. I’ve avoided it like the plague.

You might be curious why I would do that – why I wouldn’t run to get it as soon as possible, so that I can have proof and have my little letters validated at the end of my name. I was terrified that they wouldn’t give it to me – that there is no way I actually got it and I am fooling all of you and they aren’t going to give me the degree. I have been sitting with this fear for a year now.

Not any more. I sent it in the mail today. I’m actually really scared that I am going to get a call that says they have been trying to reach me and I am going to have to take another class or rewrite my thesis or something. But I’ll know soon – when it gets here.

This is a good sign – it’s a sign that I am taking care of business, which I haven’t been doing. I’ve been taking care of other people, taking care of having fun and being crazy, taking care of my body. Not taking care of business. This is the next step – to handle this piece, including finances, etc.

The year of integration continues.

Signed a lease!

Kim and I signed the lease for our new place yesterday. We are moving in this weekend – I am so excited. Remember the specifications we laid out a few weeks ago:

A way for the cats to get outside easily - check
Off the main road - check
2 bedrooms and spacious common areas - check
Yard/garden – small check
$1600/month rent - $1400!!!!!
Walking distance Ashby Bart & Berkeley Bowl - nope. Different part of town, but great!
Near cafes and shops - check
June 15 move-in date - check
Off street parking – nope. But easy street parking
Bay windows - check
Washer and Dryer on premises – check

How awesome! There were a couple of possibilities, none of which were quite the one. We didn't go into scarcity - we moved forward as though we had all the time in the world. And look what happened. It's almost exactly what we were looking for.

Woo-hoo! Yay for living in abundance!

Back from FL!

Rachel’s wedding was BEAUTIFUL … doves and a historic location and period makeup and hair… It was the stuff that fairy tales are made of. So much love and light. Dustin is now an official part of the family (assuming the marriage certificate was signed - oops!). He loves Rachel so much - I couldn't be happier.

My niece and nephew are gorgeous and such great kids. I will write more later, but wanted to let everyone know that I’m back, and to share this picture with you all – my beautiful Elise. It's a little blurry, but I love this shot!

More to come later!
Jessica